buzz & fade

You wake up in the morning and cut yourself shaving. Walk through the same old city. Ask yourself the same old question. Sitting on the couch when you get home, you still haven’t found an answer. »

…and then the rain came down. I couldn’t see the future. Nothing was working. Nothing else mattered. I came home in a funk, tossing and turning all night, but in the morning all was well. I pushed on, forward, upward, wearily anticipating the next hill. It’s the story of my life. »

Drifting in the in-between. I was away and I’ll be back again soon, making up for lost time – catching up on changes, configurations, deployments and other buzzwords of our times but not for another 33 hours. I’m anxious, as always – it’s the only way I know how to operate. »

There was no art to this week. Blurry lights, childhood suburbs revisited, snatches of sleep, flashing lights, coloured cables, racks and cages and liberal use of conf t. Did I make it out alive? awake? I’m not sure just yet, but if you don’t throw yourself at your work, what’s the point? »

I used to take a photo of myself each time my birthday came around. Reminding myself I was still here. Reminding myself how I’d changed. Reminding myself of what I was trying to be, this time around. The habit trailed off like so many others, but seeing one of the photos again gives me The Fear. »